However, I have to do this. I'm dealing with coming of Suboxone (a drug that helps heroin users- er...not use heroin). I need to tell so many tales that intertwine. Things won't be in a linear fashion. Some things may not be accurate. I'll be as truthful as I can.
Some things- I know drug users and heroin users especially have a huge stigma. I was lucky and never got involved with the needle, except once to satisfy a morbid curiosity. I won't be saying drugs are bad here- I won't be blaming my familial past for my own past and present hardships- I'll just be telling what's what with ME.
Some other things- I'm guessing noone will really stumble across this. Its for me I guess. I was in a fucked up car accident a few years back- car flipped 9 times or so. Roof shattered, car was totaled. My hand was crushed to a pulp and my head was split open in 7 or 9 ways. Internal/external bleeding in my head. But hell- here I am. I bounced back. And it was months later after my father passed of cancer suddenly- in my arms- in the ER- him spurting blood- me helping hold him up for the doctors- it was then that I downward spiraled yet again. (My first real spiral was a trip to Thailand way before this during a manic spree.)
Heroin numbed my thoughts. Made doing nothing easier. Toss in cocaine with it and snort 'em together- intranasal speedball. Dangerous, euphoric, upper, downer. Not smart, but I obviously don't deal with problems via the normal routes.
This is just a little smidgen of things. Right now you're looking at a damn big puzzle (I'm only a male in my late late 20's) with a shitload of missing pieces. I'll fill things in as I go.
Now back to the suboxone- I will bitch a bit about this drug. Short term use (less than 21 days) is an intelligent use for help getting off heroin. Long term use may be necessary for some, maybe lifetime- depends on your willpower, goals, etc.... I was on it for 2 years or so. But like most, I still fucked around on other things from time to time. But what suboxone did do for me is it really did help me get life in perspective and straighten up. But now coming off it, I jumped at like.5mg (1/4 of a 2mg pill- more on doses later) over 2 weeks ago. I still fill absolutely shitty. It's not heroin withdrawals- but that might be better- give yourself a week and you're pretty much through much of it. Suboxone has a loooooong half life and grips onto you in ways you don't know until its too late. My own fault for not doing more research. Some people can take months, maybe years to get back to their concept of 'normal'. And yeah, that really sucks. Withdrawals aren't as bad as heroin, but the fact they linger? A total BITCH. I'll write more on this of course. It can be a lifesaver for many as it really doesn't get you 'high' like methadone would.
Also- I want to rant on how positive people can be for you. "Good job!" "I'm so proud of you!" "You're doing one of the toughest things anyone has ever done!" "Amazing!"
No. No. No. Someone battling Cancer or a terrible disease they didn't knowing ask for is doing the toughest thing ever. I know many will be pissed I say this. I know addiction, etc... is a 'disease'. But fuck, people- I chose to do the shit. I messed around. Yeah, I want OUT and I want OUT NOW. And I want it painless. Shit happens, though. I don't feel 'heroic'. I feel like a bitch who cries about putting myself in this situation.
I appreciate the support, kind words, etc.... I'm fortunate not to be like some users- on the streets, living in filth, robbing, the usual suspects giving bad names to others. They're not bad though. They were dealt a different hand. I'm not rich. I'm not poor. I have a job, I go to school. I was a functioning user. But I saw people and saw where I could end up. Why didn't I go further down the rabbit hole? What separates me vs. other users? Upbringing? Morals? Fuck if I know. Different breeds of us all I guess. I just respect everyone despite their faults because goddamn- we're all human and all in this thing called 'life' together. We all need help and so we should all be putting our hands out for others more.
Damn, what a chaotic, ranting post. If anyone ever DOES read this- ask me questions, give me entries you'd like to hear about. I've done a shitload in my years. A lot of bad, I hope a lot of good. I struggle with whether I'm a decent person. I'm insanely intelligent, even after my closed head injury, I'm sexy (probably not- but my fiance is hot as hell so I must be ok to look at), and I think most importantly- I ENDURE.
Yeah, its been 2 weeks since off subs. I am nuts tonight, so I got some speedball- this is what we call a relapse folks- go on, judge me, stop reading now and label me a junky dumbass- anyhow, its what I need in the middle of this jungle of my return to normalcy so that I CAN stay sober. I don't like drugs anymore. None. Pot sucks. MDMA unless its pure is ugh. Cocaine is just a bag stamped FIEND. Crack- dunno. Opiates- good for pain, could care less for the high. Psychadelics- not good for my mind, scare the fuck out of me. Other stimulants- only had ritalin- good for focus. Meth- dunno. I do know its all chasing something. Never ending game. Just can't keep going on like that.
I know- why'd you go out and get shit after 2 weeks? I DO a lot of research now about things I put in me, and on day of this with its short half life may help get me over the hump a little. Most or all of you will say I set myself back. I think not. My junky/addict mindsets never been there. My bipolar mindset of 'lets take risks!' is what fuels me. And I think I need more than Lithium now.
Anyways, drugs aren't bad or good. Life isn't black and white. Gray areas are as abundant as the gray mass in our head (ie. our brain). Responsibility fuels our lives. Its hard to live up to, but gotta do it.
This is my effort to piece things together. I still am getting memories back after my accident. Many I don't want to know since they're before I was medicated for my Bipolar I- rapid cycling. I did crazy shit that emotionally hurt my friends and family. I'm divorced (I actually thank God for my Bipolar so I finally got out of a marriage based on friendship not love), and now I'm in love with what I'll call a soulmate. But we do hurt eachother with our choices. I opened her senses to my world- which isn't all roses. And thats a big regret. So now I'm not just saving myself and my future- I'm saving ours.
So if someone finds this- even though I ranted about people saying positive shit- please say some positive shit. I'm finding my way through all of this and doing my best. But I could use people putting their hands out, because I'm finally the one needing the help.
If you read all that- go see Slumdog Millionaire. Best. Movie. Ever. Other good watches- The Wrestler, Fight Club, Requiem for a Dream, Transpotting. Books: go read Electroboy, American Psycho, Contortionists Handbook, Fight Club, Murder Mile, The Fuck Up, Exit Here, Shogun, Dragonlance Chronicles. THEN you might get me better.
